I feel so stressed out today, its actually been bubbling up for the past week and today I feel like I’m drowning. That is truly the best way I can say it!

That moment when every tiny worry has built up to the point where you feel like your being weighted down by semi truck on your shoulders. I know how I got here and I know what I needed to do to prevent it but it hit so fast I and I feel like i cant breath.

Some days I just feel like I want to move away and start new, but that though just scares the crap out of me so I stay here and deal with the same crap everyday. I know if I did move away it would all follow me anyway.

no matter where I live I would still not be allowed to work, I would still worry about the safety of my family, I would still worry about our finances. It would all follow me and then there would be new things to stress about!! Not knowing anyone, uprooting the kids, yada yada, yada. the talk of stress is stressing me out more, today is just not my day.

I got the OK…..

A couple of months ago the Doctor gave me the ok to start exercising again, I’ve had a really hard time getting started. I seems walking is my worst enemy, I love speed walking but now with the condition of my legs and my veins the way are it just seems like its such a mountain climb even to walk down to the end of the street and back. The blood still has a hard time getting out of my legs and so after half a block they start to feel heavy and the pain exhausts me. I’ve been trying really hard to feel good enough to go the gym and try a treadmill but I’m getting discouraged. I’ve been doing upper body stuff through out the day at home, I even got an ab circle to try so that I don’t have to use my legs. I’m definitely out of shape and I can feel in in my body things just aren’t as easy as they used to be, and I’m worried that I will lose my muscles in my legs if I cant start working them soon. I know that they wont disappear totally cause I walk but I can for sure feel that they are weaker then they have ever been.

I’m supposed to have medical grade compression stockings but the government cant possibly believe that some one my age could need them, they said that because I’m not 80 years old with skin so thin that the swelling is causing sores that I do qualify for them. My Doctor was furious and has been writing letters and making phone calls to get them to change their minds, he says that if I have the stockings that everything will be easier. Fingers crossed that I can get them sooner cause I would love to get back to normal as best I can.

I get to go see the doc again in a couple more weeks so I’m crossing my fingers that there will be some good news, it sure would be great to be active again.

You have no Idea

I’m a pretty easy-going person, I’m grateful for the this I have and I work hard for the things that I want. I try very hard to teach my children to be the same way. I’m also a very considerate person, I very carefully consider who you are and what likes and dislikes you have if I know you personally then I’m usually spot on. So I guess that’s where I now recognize my naivety, I should have never assumed that even though you’ve known me for 10 years that you would know who I am and what I like or dislike.

Being asked what I want for Birthdays or Christmas I never like answering cause I don’t want to come off as being Spoiled or greedy, so I vaguely answer thinking that it would be enough to have an idea of a good gift because you should know me well enough to know that I don’t do pink especially hot pink! Or to know that I’m 35 and maybe a little to young to be shopping in the 55+ fashions. sorry not trying to offend anyone. Not by any means trying to sound ungrateful either just need to vent i guess cause I don’t have anyone else to talk to about it.

Anyway I know I can’t wear the clothes in the picture above I’m just not that tiny but I plan on doing a lot of hard work to help me loose some weight so that I can fit into the style that I like. It’s depressing waking up every day to through on some old t-shirt and a pair of sweats cause nothing else fits right. Maybe someday you’ll finally get to know me and the things that I like, rather then trying to turn me into someone that fits into your style or who you think I should be.

Somethings about me that you don’t know; I used to be very skinny because I i was anorexic and depressed and just wanted people like me and stop telling me I wasn’t good enough, At age 17 I tried I finally was a healthy weight and become a model for a short period of time but I quit because Competing for popularity has never been my thing. My Biggest secret…..To this day I just want to find that one really good friend that I can tell anything to with out being judged or looked at like I’m crazy or not normal. I just want someone to want to know me for who I am and not who they wish I was. Most of all someone who isn’t gonna pretend to like me just to suit their purposes.