I feel so stressed out today, its actually been bubbling up for the past week and today I feel like I’m drowning. That is truly the best way I can say it!
That moment when every tiny worry has built up to the point where you feel like your being weighted down by semi truck on your shoulders. I know how I got here and I know what I needed to do to prevent it but it hit so fast I and I feel like i cant breath.
Some days I just feel like I want to move away and start new, but that though just scares the crap out of me so I stay here and deal with the same crap everyday. I know if I did move away it would all follow me anyway.
no matter where I live I would still not be allowed to work, I would still worry about the safety of my family, I would still worry about our finances. It would all follow me and then there would be new things to stress about!! Not knowing anyone, uprooting the kids, yada yada, yada. the talk of stress is stressing me out more, today is just not my day.
A couple of months ago the Doctor gave me the ok to start exercising again, I’ve had a really hard time getting started. I seems walking is my worst enemy, I love speed walking but now with the condition of my legs and my veins the way are it just seems like its such a mountain climb even to walk down to the end of the street and back. The blood still has a hard time getting out of my legs and so after half a block they start to feel heavy and the pain exhausts me. I’ve been trying really hard to feel good enough to go the gym and try a treadmill but I’m getting discouraged. I’ve been doing upper body stuff through out the day at home, I even got an ab circle to try so that I don’t have to use my legs. I’m definitely out of shape and I can feel in in my body things just aren’t as easy as they used to be, and I’m worried that I will lose my muscles in my legs if I cant start working them soon. I know that they wont disappear totally cause I walk but I can for sure feel that they are weaker then they have ever been.
I’m supposed to have medical grade compression stockings but the government cant possibly believe that some one my age could need them, they said that because I’m not 80 years old with skin so thin that the swelling is causing sores that I do qualify for them. My Doctor was furious and has been writing letters and making phone calls to get them to change their minds, he says that if I have the stockings that everything will be easier. Fingers crossed that I can get them sooner cause I would love to get back to normal as best I can.
I get to go see the doc again in a couple more weeks so I’m crossing my fingers that there will be some good news, it sure would be great to be active again.