exhausted…..

I grew up thinking that Marriage was a 50/50 kind of deal, you each give and take equally and support each other through sickness and health and blah blah blah. Boy was I wrong, I’ve been with my husband for 10 years (married 7) and at first it was amazing. everything was shared right down to the daily grit. But I have to admit that the last few years have changed a lot. We are both hard working when it comes to our jobs, I know I could never do his job and I’m so proud of him for going and working as hard as he does. I also know that he couldn’t never do mine either, lets face it oil field work and health care provider two very different ends of the spectrum. But I find myself wishing I could trade places with him most day, that is when he isn’t at work on the rig.

I work my butt off when he is at work, I care for the kids (5) cooking, cleaning, disciplining, teaching then skills, helping with homework etc…… It’s a full time job and I love it, all of it! It can also be a very tiring job having five kids and no one to help you with the everyday, and I’m still not even allowed to go back to work yet. So please someone tell me I’m not being selfish for wanting to be allowed to sleep in when he is home, or needing to take a nap and not have to worry about him falling asleep and leaving the kids to fend for them selves. I just for once want to be able to do as he does, come in and drop my stuff and do my own thing. i want to be the one that stays up all night playing video games and sleeps all day with no worry of helping out around the house. I want to sit in the garage all day wasting time or going to drive to town and hang out with my buddies and leave the house work to everyone else.

But I know I could never do it. I love him and I will continue to do everything, I’ll continue feel like I’m jealous of my husband and I will continue to feel guilty for feeling jealous. Most of all I will continue to pray that the 50/50 will come back, I’m tired no I’m exhausted and I need him to help me so I can be me again.

Step into my shoes for once

Work with me here even it is just for a second……………

Close your eyes and think of a person you love, someone you just met or maybe someone you have known for a while. Think about how much you love this person and how you can’t wait to introduce them to your friends and family, you can’t wait for them to like this person as much as you do. you can’t wait for you all to be able to hang out together because this person is just that awesome. you have so many things in common with this person and the same with the rest of your friends so you just can’t wait to tell them every detail cause they will like them as much as you do.

The first couple times you tell everyone about your new person everyone just kinda listens and they nod and smile and they are happy that your happy. wasn’t quite what you imagined but then you still have your best friend and they will get it, they will understand where your coming from and they will want to listen and they will want to meet this person and they will like them as much as you do. So every chance you get your telling your bf how awesome this person is and how they should give them a chance.

But every time you try your bf doesn’t sound to happy for you, she/he tells you that its just not gonna happen. They are not interested in meeting your new person, they don’t want to ┬ámeet or hear about them. They are happy for you but they won’t have anything to do with it.

So what now? You will never get these two most important people to hangout with you at the same time, you have to divide your time between them. You feel like your constantly apologizing to your new person because you can’t get your friends or family to open up to the idea of him/her. So you stop talking about your new person to everyone because you don’t want to feel hurt anymore that no one wants to join you, you find other friends that like your new person as much as you do and in the back of your mind you think about how great it would be if your friends and family came to join in the fun.

Open your eyes, tell that your heart isn’t just a little hurt. My new friend is JESUS! he is awesome and I wish nothing more then to share him with the people I love. It’s been 4 years sense I became a Christian. I am not a pushy person at all, I love my family with all my heart. I wish that a select few of them would listen to me and I wish that I could share the miracles that I have seen with them. I wish that they would listen with an open heart and mind.

I watched my Daughter trip and fall down the stairs and over an 8 foot cement wall head first onto the cement stairs. She was only a year old, there wasn’t a mark on her not even bump or a scratch. Thank you Jesus.

I had two massive clots in my legs, I was so angry I kept asking why me what did I do wrong. then it hit me like a ton of bricks. it all started with a small clot in my lower leg and if it hadn’t been for my May-Thurners Syndrome I would be dead. that clot would have ended up in my lung or in my heart and I wouldn’t be here today. So thank you Jesus.

I know that you wouldn’t intentionally hurt me, I know that if it were anyone else but HIM you would jump at the chance to meet them. and I know that I’m not alone, because I get to watch people fall in love with HIM everyday, and I’m a very patient person and I will wait as long as I have to.