Call me Truman

I feel like I’m about to repeat myself but its bugging me so I’m going to say it anyway. I LOVE looking at real estate in other provinces or states even other countries, seeing how different other peoples houses and lives look. I love imagining what it would be like to be walking through a certain house as if I am purchasing it, who would be in what rooms, where the furniture would all go.  I even like filling in the calculator to see how much the approx. payments would be each month. I have no idea why I like it so much because it if ever actually came down to moving away from the area I live in I would have a major anxiety attack and call the whole thing off. There is always some excuse as to why I’m unable to leave the area. Sure I could handle being with in an hour or less radius but outside of that I truly do feel like Truman I’m afraid of the water, I’m afraid of drowning.

I know there is more out there, there has to be more to life then sitting here day in and day out. I want to live somewhere warm, I want to be able to do things as a family. I want a house that’s big enough for all of us and our stuff. I want to be able to say I want to move to a completely different place and not be afraid of drowning in my own anxiety, I want to meet people and actually develop friendships and not be afraid I’m alone.

How cool would it be to be able to move to another place? I’m tired of freezing in the winter, I’m tired of listening to peoples negativity, Tired of feeling like I’m not meant to be here but I cant leave here. I know a lot of people or Facebook says I do. I know their faces, I know their names, some of them I went to school with others I worked with. But I don’t know if I can call them friends. I mean they don’t talk to me other then the odd comment or like, I can count on both hand how many of them actually talk to me in person and they are all family. to actually have someone say they know me because they went to school with me……hahahah even in school I was a loner and really didn’t have friends.

I’m so tired of seeing the exact same thing everyday, the same people that in my opinion would just as soon push into a tank full of man eating sharks if it got them a dollar. I want to move, but I don’t want to move 20 minutes up the road. I want to go somewhere I’ve never been, somewhere I can meet people and make friends and raise my family and be happy. Most of all I want to be able to do these things with out being afraid that it will fall apart and Ill have come running back like a bird that couldn’t leave the nest.

Just call me Truman……..the water is too deep.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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know your allies

So about a month ago my husband and I decided it was time to get a new van, we got a call from a dealer tat we had previously spoken with and they said they could get us an approval. We went in to talk business, I thought it was pretty great considering that my van that I did have was on its last legs and I cant be with out one. Long story short they got us a van and not just any van but almost exactly what we asked for. the color was not right but hey its just a color right? we said that as long as is had Stow and go seats, a DVD player and Bluetooth it would be fine. The dealer told us that it would have all those things but that they would have to install the DVD player as it was not included. ok great we have 5 kids and I cant be with out one its a deal breaker if these three things are not included in it. Awesome we finally got the van we wanted and the bonus is it was brand new. So we headed home to wait and it seemed like it took them forever, it was 11days to be exact and it was finally deliver to the house. Little did I know that was the day the fun started, DVD player check, sound what sound? it doesn’t run through the speakers at all or look they sent head sets (only 2 pairs) really?!?!?!? great now I have kids arguing about who gets to watch the movie this trip or the next. Oh look I get stow and go compartments but no seats to stow in them, just a bench that does nothing and the head rests are so huge that the kids cant see the DVD screen that they cant hear. and what do you know there is no Bluetooth and the windshield has a rock chip in it.

Try to imagine my face at that point. I had an appointment in town the day after it got delivered, just as I thought the fighting about hearing the movie started. So I emailed the dealer and he said that we had to go buy our own head sets (say what!) nope I called the manager, Mr. Manager said no that’s not right we will be buying you 3 more sets so sorry about the mix up. I told him that the bench was wrong and that there was not Bluetooth either and he said that he was pretty sure they don’t make stow able seats anymore so we would have to deal the bench. I told him to google the van they do make the seat and I do want them. The baby had to be put behind me where I cant see her because the kids were getting tangled in her seat belt when they get in the van. he said he would look into it and to call him back in a couple days to see what he found. the Bluetooth was going to be an easy fix just a quick install and the rock chip they would pay for. Great thank you. This went on for a about a week or so with me calling him every couple day to get an update. Well what do you know our 14 day grace period is over we have no seats, no head sets, and no Bluetooth!! the best part, Mr. Manager had stopped communicating and answer me all together. Wow what a slap in the face.

I called a local dealer and asked them if the seats were really not made anymore and I was told that yes they are in fact made and very popular. the dealer ask if her could see my bill of sale so I showed him and he said that we were way over charged by 11000.00+ and were only given a Canadian Value Pack with no add-ons. So I tried to get a hold of the dealer again and you guessed it he was doing some unimportant job that could have been put on hold for 5 mins but still wouldn’t take my call. So I did the next best thing I called a lawyer and I was told to get in touch with AMVIC. Lucky for me that I kept screen shots of all my emails and phone calls cause they asked to see them right away. The lady was appalled at the way I was treated and assured me that they would be gong after the dealer for what I was owed or even to get the Van returned so we could go else were. Ya yesterday was not a good day for me. I was on the phone all morning and completely exhausted. Hope this goes well cause I don’t how much more I can take.

Passive income

Lets go back to Mid July for a minute, My husband and I were approached with an opportunity to make some extra funds. We were both a little skeptical at first after all its human nature to distrust the new. But we decided to jump in and see what would happen so we registered but we waited until the 21st of August and purchased two Packs each. Now I have to admit that I thought it would take forever to see any compounding return on our money, but fast forward to October 11 and here I was making my first withdrawal of approx. 80.00 dollars. Well that was amazing and got me excited so I put it all back in and added a third pack to my count. now I’m watching it grown that much faster.

So here I sit today excited and dreaming of our future and the things we will finally be able to do, and I’m wondering why I ever hesitated cause I could have been so much farther ahead. Sure the internet can be scary but I guess if you really think about it, everything these days is scary. People and places and laws and war and it goes on and on. The world is changing so fast it seems, so I’m gonna change too.

Having a medical condition and not being able to get disability really hurts financially but not anymore cause I can take back some of my freedom and feel like I’m contributing to my family again.

Here is to Bitcoin and here is to my future, and keep your negativity to yourself cause I don’t need your rain on my parade.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again I miss being able to go to work, I miss contributing to our family and our life goals. I’ve looked everywhere online for a work from home type job. You know the ones where companies actually hire you to do really work and you get a real pay check. Well none of them turned out to be real so I decided to try my hand at internet marketing and rather then putting my hand in the cookies jar to test it I kinda jumped in both feet first. I’ve started a couple different things and I’m learning new things everyday and liking it so far.

First I joined MLM Gateway an online marketing platform. Sense I’m already a Scentsy Rep I was able to get my name out there and generate new leads for that, both in customers and new teams members. Best part of that is that it is free to join and I can get paid through MLM just for advertising why not!! that’s free money for me and unless I want to pay for premium, which I haven’t done at this point but I might think about in the future it will continue to be free. https://www.mlmgateway.com/?refcode=3328721

Second I signed up for easycash4ads, it really is just that too! Easy cash. 19.00 USD one time fee for a life time of free advertising. doing not to bad there also, and all I need for that is paypal which I had already anyway. http://www.easycash4ads.com/h.scoff

Third and the one I’m most excited about is USI-Tech Bitcoin investing, both my husband and I jumped into this one. We each purchased 2 bitcoin packs valued at 50.00 GBP each, its works out to approx 81.00 CAD and approx 64.35 USD. It was free to set up an account and on your dashboard you get to watch your investment grow over the course of 140 business days. and you get to collect automatic re buys so your packs are multiplying every few days depending of the number packs you have. http://77bc8453.usi-tech.info/

In the world of internet marketing I confess I’m a newbie but so far I’m liking it and I’ve received commissions in all three so it can’t be that bad. All three have great potential to make a lot of money and replace my working income and that’s what I set out looking for so I’m doing something right.

I’ll keep you posted, Have a great day ❤

I was thinking of going back to work, Doc said I could try a 3-4 hour shift. Unfortunately in my job that is not even a possibility. My job requires me to be on my feet for 6-8 hours at a steady fast pace, with very little sitting. So I decided to try something else. My Husband and I took the kids to the Zoo instead, we were there for 3 hours walk a slow steady pace, stopping often to take pic or rest my legs or eat lunch. It was very tiring and I was exhausted by the time we finished. By they night I was in so much pain I could hardly stand myself, all I could was lay in bed crying while I was waiting for my pain meds to kick in. It took me nearly 3 weeks to recover for that wonderful family trip, one I would do all over again just so I can see the kids excited faces.

So now I’ve spoken the my Doctor and I’m aware that that I cannot return to my job, What do I do to help support my family??? I continue everyday to look for that perfect desk job and will allow me to sit more then run around, Unit Clerk? Marketing? Work from Home jobs? I feel like I’ve hit a point where I’m feeling a bit desperate, I love my kids and I love my Husband more then anything but I also loved going to work.

That desperate feeling I mentioned, ya I actually signed up for a few things. None of them paying off of course, all of them needing me to recruit people and not one person is will to join me. So now not only am I a desperate house wife wishing I could work and contribute I’m an internet marketing recruiter that can’t convince people that making easy money is a really thing. Talk about feeling miserable, It really affects your confidence in yourself………oh I forgot to mention Investing. How does one hope to achieve properly investing when by the time your paid the bills and fed everyone you have nothing left to invest with…… I’ve lost my head.

I guess on the to better things, like finding a house that doesn’t cost an arm and leg in rent, preferably a small farm or acreage for my poor dogs can actually be outside with the neighbor calling the cops because they barked at some kid walking by or was it a car I cant remember but really that’s another story for another day.

Give Change a Chance

Imagine what it would be like to move to some place new, a fresh start with exciting new opportunities. I’ve always liked watching HGTV and watching couples move to new town or even new countries, they seem so confident and sure of how well its all gonna work out. I love looking at the real estate websites to see houses in different provinces or countries, see the cost and dreaming about what it would like to live in that house in that neighborhood or that country. How would the kids like the school or will get along with the other kids?

Truth be told I find myself dreaming about being in a different town or even country quite often, I dream about how great it would be if we could move and not worry about what we are leaving behind. Ya we have family that lives close, across the street, a block away, the next town over and some that are up to an hour away. Every time I think about moving away and get excited about it something in the back of my brain says wait you cant leave your family behind, you can’t start over somewhere else what about doctors, what about your legs, what if you don’t make any new friends, what if your hate it…….. But the thing is that as much as I love my family and i’m talking about the ones that are right here in my house, my Husband and my Kids. Yes I love my other family but I hate living here, I hate feeling like I need to be so close to everyone in case some one needs something I hate feeling like if i move I will loose everyone,

There will always be certain family members that never come to visit anyway, my own dad proved that one, he lives 40 minutes away and they only way I will ever seen him is if I drive to his house and visit. so really whats the difference if i move an hour away or two days drive away.

I think living in a province where I don’t have to pay for healthcare at all has ruined me to some extent because that other issue I have. I don’t know how anyone can live with that worry of whether they can afford to go see a doctor or afford to pay the health insurance so they can see the doctor.

My brain is playing tug of war with my heart, I feel like there is so much more out tere that I’m missing, like my heart want to go and move on to better things with my little family but my brain is telling me that it would be the dumbest thing I’ve pulled yet. I’m not a spontaneous person at all, in fact I’m the person with anxiety that plays every possible scene in my head to prove tat it could all go terribly wrong. so I haven’t made it very far and because of that, when I did move an hour away it lasted a year and here I am back where I started with nothing to show for it except my Husband and my Kids.

There has to be more to life than waking up everyday and doing the exact same thing as you did the day before, I feel like Drew Barrymore in “50 first dates” most of the time. Tell me what it is that I’m doing wrong because there has to be more to life then this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

exhausted…..

I grew up thinking that Marriage was a 50/50 kind of deal, you each give and take equally and support each other through sickness and health and blah blah blah. Boy was I wrong, I’ve been with my husband for 10 years (married 7) and at first it was amazing. everything was shared right down to the daily grit. But I have to admit that the last few years have changed a lot. We are both hard working when it comes to our jobs, I know I could never do his job and I’m so proud of him for going and working as hard as he does. I also know that he couldn’t never do mine either, lets face it oil field work and health care provider two very different ends of the spectrum. But I find myself wishing I could trade places with him most day, that is when he isn’t at work on the rig.

I work my butt off when he is at work, I care for the kids (5) cooking, cleaning, disciplining, teaching them skills, helping with homework etc…… It’s a full time job and I love it, all of it! It can also be a very tiring job having five kids and no one to help you with the everyday, and I’m still not even allowed to go back to work yet. So please someone tell me I’m not being selfish for wanting to be allowed to sleep in when he is home, or needing to take a nap and not have to worry about him falling asleep and leaving the kids to fend for them selves. I just for once want to be able to do as he does, come in and drop my stuff and do my own thing. i want to be the one that stays up all night playing video games and sleeps all day with no worry of helping out around the house. I want to sit in the garage all day wasting time or going to drive to town and hang out with my buddies and leave the house work to everyone else.

But I know I could never do it. I love him and I will continue to do everything, I’ll continue feel like I’m jealous of my husband and I will continue to feel guilty for feeling jealous. Most of all I will continue to pray that the 50/50 will come back, I’m tired no I’m exhausted and I need him to help me so I can be me again.

Step into my shoes for once

Work with me here even it is just for a second……………

Close your eyes and think of a person you love, someone you just met or maybe someone you have known for a while. Think about how much you love this person and how you can’t wait to introduce them to your friends and family, you can’t wait for them to like this person as much as you do. you can’t wait for you all to be able to hang out together because this person is just that awesome. you have so many things in common with this person and the same with the rest of your friends so you just can’t wait to tell them every detail cause they will like them as much as you do.

The first couple times you tell everyone about your new person everyone just kinda listens and they nod and smile and they are happy that your happy. wasn’t quite what you imagined but then you still have your best friend and they will get it, they will understand where your coming from and they will want to listen and they will want to meet this person and they will like them as much as you do. So every chance you get your telling your bf how awesome this person is and how they should give them a chance.

But every time you try your bf doesn’t sound to happy for you, she/he tells you that its just not gonna happen. They are not interested in meeting your new person, they don’t want to  meet or hear about them. They are happy for you but they won’t have anything to do with it.

So what now? You will never get these two most important people to hangout with you at the same time, you have to divide your time between them. You feel like your constantly apologizing to your new person because you can’t get your friends or family to open up to the idea of him/her. So you stop talking about your new person to everyone because you don’t want to feel hurt anymore that no one wants to join you, you find other friends that like your new person as much as you do and in the back of your mind you think about how great it would be if your friends and family came to join in the fun.

Open your eyes, tell that your heart isn’t just a little hurt. My new friend is JESUS! he is awesome and I wish nothing more then to share him with the people I love. It’s been 4 years sense I became a Christian. I am not a pushy person at all, I love my family with all my heart. I wish that a select few of them would listen to me and I wish that I could share the miracles that I have seen with them. I wish that they would listen with an open heart and mind.

I watched my Daughter trip and fall down the stairs and over an 8 foot cement wall head first onto the cement stairs. She was only a year old, there wasn’t a mark on her not even bump or a scratch. Thank you Jesus.

I had two massive clots in my legs, I was so angry I kept asking why me what did I do wrong. then it hit me like a ton of bricks. it all started with a small clot in my lower leg and if it hadn’t been for my May-Thurners Syndrome I would be dead. that clot would have ended up in my lung or in my heart and I wouldn’t be here today. So thank you Jesus.

I know that you wouldn’t intentionally hurt me, I know that if it were anyone else but HIM you would jump at the chance to meet them. and I know that I’m not alone, because I get to watch people fall in love with HIM everyday, and I’m a very patient person and I will wait as long as I have to.

Stress…..

I feel so stressed out today, its actually been bubbling up for the past week and today I feel like I’m drowning. That is truly the best way I can say it!

That moment when every tiny worry has built up to the point where you feel like your being weighted down by semi truck on your shoulders. I know how I got here and I know what I needed to do to prevent it but it hit so fast I and I feel like i cant breath.

Some days I just feel like I want to move away and start new, but that though just scares the crap out of me so I stay here and deal with the same crap everyday. I know if I did move away it would all follow me anyway.

no matter where I live I would still not be allowed to work, I would still worry about the safety of my family, I would still worry about our finances. It would all follow me and then there would be new things to stress about!! Not knowing anyone, uprooting the kids, yada yada, yada. the talk of stress is stressing me out more, today is just not my day.

I got the OK…..

A couple of months ago the Doctor gave me the ok to start exercising again, I’ve had a really hard time getting started. I seems walking is my worst enemy, I love speed walking but now with the condition of my legs and my veins the way are it just seems like its such a mountain climb even to walk down to the end of the street and back. The blood still has a hard time getting out of my legs and so after half a block they start to feel heavy and the pain exhausts me. I’ve been trying really hard to feel good enough to go the gym and try a treadmill but I’m getting discouraged. I’ve been doing upper body stuff through out the day at home, I even got an ab circle to try so that I don’t have to use my legs. I’m definitely out of shape and I can feel in in my body things just aren’t as easy as they used to be, and I’m worried that I will lose my muscles in my legs if I cant start working them soon. I know that they wont disappear totally cause I walk but I can for sure feel that they are weaker then they have ever been.

I’m supposed to have medical grade compression stockings but the government cant possibly believe that some one my age could need them, they said that because I’m not 80 years old with skin so thin that the swelling is causing sores that I do qualify for them. My Doctor was furious and has been writing letters and making phone calls to get them to change their minds, he says that if I have the stockings that everything will be easier. Fingers crossed that I can get them sooner cause I would love to get back to normal as best I can.

I get to go see the doc again in a couple more weeks so I’m crossing my fingers that there will be some good news, it sure would be great to be active again.