Give Change a Chance

Imagine what it would be like to move to some place new, a fresh start with exciting new opportunities. I’ve always liked watching HGTV and watching couples move to new town or even new countries, they seem so confident and sure of how well its all gonna work out. I love looking at the real estate websites to see houses in different provinces or countries, see the cost and dreaming about what it would like to live in that house in that neighborhood or that country. How would the kids like the school or will get along with the other kids?

Truth be told I find myself dreaming about being in a different town or even country quite often, I dream about how great it would be if we could move and not worry about what we are leaving behind. Ya we have family that lives close, across the street, a block away, the next town over and some that are up to an hour away. Every time I think about moving away and get excited about it something in the back of my brain says wait you cant leave your family behind, you can’t start over somewhere else what about doctors, what about your legs, what if you don’t make any new friends, what if your hate it…….. But the thing is that as much as I love my family and i’m talking about the ones that are right here in my house, my Husband and my Kids. Yes I love my other family but I hate living here, I hate feeling like I need to be so close to everyone in case some one needs something I hate feeling like if i move I will loose everyone,

There will always be certain family members that never come to visit anyway, my own dad proved that one, he lives 40 minutes away and they only way I will ever seen him is if I drive to his house and visit. so really whats the difference if i move an hour away or two days drive away.

I think living in a province where I don’t have to pay for healthcare at all has ruined me to some extent because that other issue I have. I don’t know how anyone can live with that worry of whether they can afford to go see a doctor or afford to pay the health insurance so they can see the doctor.

My brain is playing tug of war with my heart, I feel like there is so much more out tere that I’m missing, like my heart want to go and move on to better things with my little family but my brain is telling me that it would be the dumbest thing I’ve pulled yet. I’m not a spontaneous person at all, in fact I’m the person with anxiety that plays every possible scene in my head to prove tat it could all go terribly wrong. so I haven’t made it very far and because of that, when I did move an hour away it lasted a year and here I am back where I started with nothing to show for it except my Husband and my Kids.

There has to be more to life than waking up everyday and doing the exact same thing as you did the day before, I feel like Drew Barrymore in “50 first dates” most of the time. Tell me what it is that I’m doing wrong because there has to be more to life then this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

exhausted…..

I grew up thinking that Marriage was a 50/50 kind of deal, you each give and take equally and support each other through sickness and health and blah blah blah. Boy was I wrong, I’ve been with my husband for 10 years (married 7) and at first it was amazing. everything was shared right down to the daily grit. But I have to admit that the last few years have changed a lot. We are both hard working when it comes to our jobs, I know I could never do his job and I’m so proud of him for going and working as hard as he does. I also know that he couldn’t never do mine either, lets face it oil field work and health care provider two very different ends of the spectrum. But I find myself wishing I could trade places with him most day, that is when he isn’t at work on the rig.

I work my butt off when he is at work, I care for the kids (5) cooking, cleaning, disciplining, teaching then skills, helping with homework etc…… It’s a full time job and I love it, all of it! It can also be a very tiring job having five kids and no one to help you with the everyday, and I’m still not even allowed to go back to work yet. So please someone tell me I’m not being selfish for wanting to be allowed to sleep in when he is home, or needing to take a nap and not have to worry about him falling asleep and leaving the kids to fend for them selves. I just for once want to be able to do as he does, come in and drop my stuff and do my own thing. i want to be the one that stays up all night playing video games and sleeps all day with no worry of helping out around the house. I want to sit in the garage all day wasting time or going to drive to town and hang out with my buddies and leave the house work to everyone else.

But I know I could never do it. I love him and I will continue to do everything, I’ll continue feel like I’m jealous of my husband and I will continue to feel guilty for feeling jealous. Most of all I will continue to pray that the 50/50 will come back, I’m tired no I’m exhausted and I need him to help me so I can be me again.

Step into my shoes for once

Work with me here even it is just for a second……………

Close your eyes and think of a person you love, someone you just met or maybe someone you have known for a while. Think about how much you love this person and how you can’t wait to introduce them to your friends and family, you can’t wait for them to like this person as much as you do. you can’t wait for you all to be able to hang out together because this person is just that awesome. you have so many things in common with this person and the same with the rest of your friends so you just can’t wait to tell them every detail cause they will like them as much as you do.

The first couple times you tell everyone about your new person everyone just kinda listens and they nod and smile and they are happy that your happy. wasn’t quite what you imagined but then you still have your best friend and they will get it, they will understand where your coming from and they will want to listen and they will want to meet this person and they will like them as much as you do. So every chance you get your telling your bf how awesome this person is and how they should give them a chance.

But every time you try your bf doesn’t sound to happy for you, she/he tells you that its just not gonna happen. They are not interested in meeting your new person, they don’t want to  meet or hear about them. They are happy for you but they won’t have anything to do with it.

So what now? You will never get these two most important people to hangout with you at the same time, you have to divide your time between them. You feel like your constantly apologizing to your new person because you can’t get your friends or family to open up to the idea of him/her. So you stop talking about your new person to everyone because you don’t want to feel hurt anymore that no one wants to join you, you find other friends that like your new person as much as you do and in the back of your mind you think about how great it would be if your friends and family came to join in the fun.

Open your eyes, tell that your heart isn’t just a little hurt. My new friend is JESUS! he is awesome and I wish nothing more then to share him with the people I love. It’s been 4 years sense I became a Christian. I am not a pushy person at all, I love my family with all my heart. I wish that a select few of them would listen to me and I wish that I could share the miracles that I have seen with them. I wish that they would listen with an open heart and mind.

I watched my Daughter trip and fall down the stairs and over an 8 foot cement wall head first onto the cement stairs. She was only a year old, there wasn’t a mark on her not even bump or a scratch. Thank you Jesus.

I had two massive clots in my legs, I was so angry I kept asking why me what did I do wrong. then it hit me like a ton of bricks. it all started with a small clot in my lower leg and if it hadn’t been for my May-Thurners Syndrome I would be dead. that clot would have ended up in my lung or in my heart and I wouldn’t be here today. So thank you Jesus.

I know that you wouldn’t intentionally hurt me, I know that if it were anyone else but HIM you would jump at the chance to meet them. and I know that I’m not alone, because I get to watch people fall in love with HIM everyday, and I’m a very patient person and I will wait as long as I have to.

Stress…..

I feel so stressed out today, its actually been bubbling up for the past week and today I feel like I’m drowning. That is truly the best way I can say it!

That moment when every tiny worry has built up to the point where you feel like your being weighted down by semi truck on your shoulders. I know how I got here and I know what I needed to do to prevent it but it hit so fast I and I feel like i cant breath.

Some days I just feel like I want to move away and start new, but that though just scares the crap out of me so I stay here and deal with the same crap everyday. I know if I did move away it would all follow me anyway.

no matter where I live I would still not be allowed to work, I would still worry about the safety of my family, I would still worry about our finances. It would all follow me and then there would be new things to stress about!! Not knowing anyone, uprooting the kids, yada yada, yada. the talk of stress is stressing me out more, today is just not my day.

I got the OK…..

A couple of months ago the Doctor gave me the ok to start exercising again, I’ve had a really hard time getting started. I seems walking is my worst enemy, I love speed walking but now with the condition of my legs and my veins the way are it just seems like its such a mountain climb even to walk down to the end of the street and back. The blood still has a hard time getting out of my legs and so after half a block they start to feel heavy and the pain exhausts me. I’ve been trying really hard to feel good enough to go the gym and try a treadmill but I’m getting discouraged. I’ve been doing upper body stuff through out the day at home, I even got an ab circle to try so that I don’t have to use my legs. I’m definitely out of shape and I can feel in in my body things just aren’t as easy as they used to be, and I’m worried that I will lose my muscles in my legs if I cant start working them soon. I know that they wont disappear totally cause I walk but I can for sure feel that they are weaker then they have ever been.

I’m supposed to have medical grade compression stockings but the government cant possibly believe that some one my age could need them, they said that because I’m not 80 years old with skin so thin that the swelling is causing sores that I do qualify for them. My Doctor was furious and has been writing letters and making phone calls to get them to change their minds, he says that if I have the stockings that everything will be easier. Fingers crossed that I can get them sooner cause I would love to get back to normal as best I can.

I get to go see the doc again in a couple more weeks so I’m crossing my fingers that there will be some good news, it sure would be great to be active again.

You have no Idea

I’m a pretty easy-going person, I’m grateful for the this I have and I work hard for the things that I want. I try very hard to teach my children to be the same way. I’m also a very considerate person, I very carefully consider who you are and what likes and dislikes you have if I know you personally then I’m usually spot on. So I guess that’s where I now recognize my naivety, I should have never assumed that even though you’ve known me for 10 years that you would know who I am and what I like or dislike.

Being asked what I want for Birthdays or Christmas I never like answering cause I don’t want to come off as being Spoiled or greedy, so I vaguely answer thinking that it would be enough to have an idea of a good gift because you should know me well enough to know that I don’t do pink especially hot pink! Or to know that I’m 35 and maybe a little to young to be shopping in the 55+ fashions. sorry not trying to offend anyone. Not by any means trying to sound ungrateful either just need to vent i guess cause I don’t have anyone else to talk to about it.

Anyway I know I can’t wear the clothes in the picture above I’m just not that tiny but I plan on doing a lot of hard work to help me loose some weight so that I can fit into the style that I like. It’s depressing waking up every day to through on some old t-shirt and a pair of sweats cause nothing else fits right. Maybe someday you’ll finally get to know me and the things that I like, rather then trying to turn me into someone that fits into your style or who you think I should be.

Somethings about me that you don’t know; I used to be very skinny because I i was anorexic and depressed and just wanted people like me and stop telling me I wasn’t good enough, At age 17 I tried I finally was a healthy weight and become a model for a short period of time but I quit because Competing for popularity has never been my thing. My Biggest secret…..To this day I just want to find that one really good friend that I can tell anything to with out being judged or looked at like I’m crazy or not normal. I just want someone to want to know me for who I am and not who they wish I was. Most of all someone who isn’t gonna pretend to like me just to suit their purposes.

Happy New Year

Yet another year has passed, how many of you have actually followed through with your New Years resolution from last year? I can honestly say that I did, for the most part I was able to actually follow through with my resolution. I became a more positive person and started eating healthier.

More home cooked meals and less take out was my number one goal, and its been great not only for my health and the health of my family but my wallet has definitely thanked me too. I have also been thinking more positive and taking time to think before I react to situations. Its not really the situation for the most part that is negative but how we react to it.

So, New Years resolutions for this year……………. maybe I will just continue to fine tune my resolutions from last year. God never made any of us perfect so there is always room for improvements. I will however add that I would love to attend church more and strengthen my relation with Jesus.

HAPPY NEW YEARS EVERYONE

A place for everything and everything in its place

Its been so busy in my life these past weeks I haven’t known if I’m coming or going. One thing I  do know is that Christmas is finally over and I can  put everything away!!

Boxes here boxes there it was overwhelming, everything finally is in it’s place. We traveled to see family over the holiday’s  it was fun, painful with my legs the way they are but fun just the same. The kids all got spoiled with tablets of their own and games and toys and clothes. For once I didn’t hear any arguing over who’s turn it is, it was so quiet i got to relax and visit for a while before i remembered the kids needed checking on.

Past Christmas anxiety was calmed as we all sat around the table laughing and sharing stories from over the years, Sitting and listening to stories of my teenage husband and the shenanigans he got into set me into a pleasant mood with no anxiety. Travelling home on boxing day with just the kids even seemed pleasant enough, Hubby stayed to go over seas with his parents for a 9 days. I was a little stressed until I hear from him after they landed.

Now that everyone is safe and where they should be its time to put everything away, It only took 6 hours to clean my main floor and put it all back to normal. The basement is on tomorrows list along with the bathrooms, I wish some days that I really was super woman like my family seems to think I am. But I am not and I think I can be ok with that.

New Years Eve is tomorrow and everyone of my kids wants to do something different and we have been invited to a few different places, now I get to decide if we go out or stay home. It’s been years sense I actually “WENT OUT” in fact it’s been 14 years, and i already know that if I went out I would just feel like an awkward preteen all over again cause I’ve lived in a bubble for far too long. Games with the kids it is!!!

Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukkah! Happy Kwanza! and many many more!! May you have a Happy New Year !!

Something has Changed

December was always my favorite time of year, I was always the one that wanted to decorate on the first of November. The last couple years I’ve putting off a little more each year. December 2011 i think was the last year I had my decorations up early, Although that was the first year we hosted Christmas with my in-laws. Nothing went right that year, We gave up our bed to my husbands parents, I slept with my oldest son and my husband and his sister took the couches in the basement. I can remember his sister accusing me of stealing from her, which is something I would never do. My husband decided to take her side and it crushed me. I held my son that night (Christmas Eve) and cried my self to sleep. The next day I couldn’t get into a good mood, the kids were sat in front of large piles of presents and told to dig in. I wasn’t able to take pictures and i didn’t even know really what anyone got cause it was a just a big free for all, a mess and it just brought me down even lower then i was already feeling. I was never happy that Christmas was over and that I could put everything away and forget about it all.

So there it is, the something that changed. and every year sense then I absolutely dread getting the tree and the decorations out. I put it off a little more each year. Now here we sit, its December 3rd 2016 and no decorations put up, not even taken out of storage. The kids are so excited and I love seeing their faces light up when they see all the pretty lights when we are traveling. They ask me everyday if we can get the tree out. and keep saying yes we will tomorrow. Last year and the year before I got the stuff out and put the tree together and told the kids to have have it. this year will most likely be the same. As hard as I try every year to get into spirit I just never turns out, I count down the days tell i can just put it all away and get it out of my sight until the next year. Maybe tomorrow Ill get it all out……………..

Where did the time go

I swear she was only born yesterday, how can thirteen years just fly by like nothing? Last night she had her birthday “party” four friends came to sleep over, why do they call it a sleep over anyway? I think 5:30 am was when the last girl closed her eyes, but they were all up talking and giggling again by 7:30 am. They had so much fun talking about boys and playing truth or dare, I remember those days. 2:00 am came and they were asking for pizza i was up anyway, my six month old was running temp of 102.8 i think i finally got it to break at 3 am ish. So pizza at 2:00 seemed liked a great idea, I brought it down to them all sliced and ready to eat and i can honestly say it didn’t stand a chance.

I remember the day she was born, so tiny only 5lbs 11oz dark hair and a cry that was more like a little piglet squeal. Now she is such a beautiful young lady, she love Paris, reading and her new iPhone. I’m so proud of the beautiful soul she is growing up to be.

I feel old today, and the thought struck me that i get to go through this four more times with the rest of the kids and the youngest is only six months. 13 is a great milestone but we have 16’s, grads, Weddings all x5 and omg the Grandparent years. Just can’t think about my babies having babies!! She isn’t even allowed to date yet so I’m safe for a few more years, slow down and take one step at a time jeez Louise. At least I get 5 more years before the next one turns 13.

good night all I’m physically and mentally exhausted between babies growing up to fast and actual baby being sick, this multitasking mama is going to bed. We have an appointment with the piercer tomorrow after noon and I have quilting that needs to be seen too be fore we leave.

Sweet Dreams